a message from the future.
Dear younger self,
This is your elder self speaking. I am writing to you from 10 years into the future.
First of all, I must say that I am sorry. I know that you are going through an incredibly difficult time right now. I remember. I was there.
I remember the world going black with the darkness of despair. I remember the pain, the shame and the fear. I remember the horror I felt as I crossed a threshold and my mind spiralled out of control. Finally, I remember the hopelessness I felt as I watched all my possible futures evaporate one by one. I remember.
I have never forgotten what I went through in 2012. How could I? The memories are still written in the scars of my soul. Dear Julian of 2012, the horrors you are living through now will remain a part of you for as long as you live.
That being said, I am not here to tell you what you already know. Let me give you a glimpse into your future. Let me offer you some words of wisdom for the journey ahead.
To begin, I am sure you must be relieved to learn that you will still be alive 10 years from now. It is true. Even now, as you struggle through the darkest time of your life, you must scarcely believe that it is possible.
My dear, you might not see them now, but your life is rich with possibilities and with hope. Each new day that arrives brings with it new people, insight and healing. Your life for the next 10 years will have its share of pleasant surprises. I hope you can find it in yourself to look forward to each new day as a gift. We cannot know what will happen to us today or the day after, but I know that each new day is an opportunity to live better.
Even with the excruciating pain you are suffering through today, know that tomorrow will be a little better, in some way or another. Over time, the small wisdoms, experiences or loves you gain each day will add up to massive improvements. If you met me as I am now, you may not even recognise yourself.
My dear younger self, the next 10 years of your life will not be easy, but they will be worth it.
In the next 10 years, you will heal. As you resolve each thread of brokenness within you, new strengths and capabilities will germinate and sprout in you. With consistent care and attention, these saplings in you will grow to become sturdy, towering trees. In 10 years time, the wasteland of your heart and mind will be a lush rainforest.
In the next 10 years, you will deepen and purify your understanding of love. You will meet people who are kind, caring and welcoming to you. Slowly, these people will teach you what it means to love yourself and love others. It may not be anything they say, but they will teach you through their entire way of being: how they laugh, how they smile and how they treat you. They will give you a new confidence in yourself. In their hospitality and vulnerability, you will rediscover the parts of yourself you thought you had lost, but had simply been lying dormant within you this whole time.
In the next 10 years, you will know pain. There will be days when you are paralysed by pain and remain crippled in bed for the whole day. There will be days when the questions will be too much and you will become exhausted with overthinking. There will be days of darkness and there will be days of despair. Take heart. With time, wisdom and the generosity of many kind souls, you will make it through. As a poet I love once wrote: “Just keep going. No feeling is final.”
I wish I could tell you everything that is going to happen in these 10 years. I wish I could prepare you and maybe even warn you.
However, I shall refrain from doing so. To let you know what happens would rob you of the raw and real experience of living through it for yourself.
Where would the novelty, excitement and anticipation be if you knew all the details?
I trust that the flow of time will reveal all these things to you in its own course. Even with all the storms you will have to weather, there will be days in the sun as well. I hope you remember to enjoy the ride.
Before I say goodbye, I want to thank you. I am only where I am now because of you. The strength and the hope that you exercise today have made it possible for me to be where I am now. I am indebted to you for persevering. The weight you shoulder today and for every day over the next 10 years has made me who I am today. You cannot comprehend what you have given me through the work of your life over the next 10 years.
So, thank you. I love you. I bless you. I need you.
See you in 10 years’ time.
May you know peace.
May you know healing.
May you know joy.
And may you know love.
With warmth,
Julian of 2022
Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror.
Just keep going. No feeling is final.
Don’t let yourself lose me.
Nearby is the country they call life.
You will know it by its seriousness.
Give me your hand.
— Rainer Maria Rilke
Julian JP Lee 
Leave a comment